All I Want for Christmas...

Is my two front teeth.

Big Boys

The thought of Zac turning 4 next month is really giving me mixed emotions. I've long known that I don't really have a 'toddler' anymore but rather a "little boy." However, because of some of Zac's delays, I'll admit it is sometimes nice to feel like you still have a toddler around. It's almost like his childhood has been extended. Of course it has its challenges and frustrations too but overall, I'd count it as a blessing that I get to experience his innocense for a lot longer than I would otherwise. Alas, Zac is growing up and has completely entered the realm of little-boyhood. Luckily, he will still give me hugs and kisses, snuggle while we read books and tell me he missed me when I pick him up from school. That boy really melts my heart.


Zac keeps saying more and more words (or attempting to) so we are extremely pleased with that. He loves going to school and insists on being such a big boy lately! He wants to pee standing up (he's potty training right now) and wants to sit in a big boy booster seat in the car (and since he's totally big enough to and it's so much easier, I let him) and he's always wanting to put his backpack on for school. He hums as he does things and while it might seem as if he's in his own little world I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case I am really happy that he musters up the courage and confidence to do things on his own. I think this will be an invaluable gift in his life as he will encounter challenges he'll need to overcome. (Oh and it's okay to laugh at this next picture, we know he looks kind of "special" in it...)


It's funny how kids are so different. With Zac, I knew from the beginning he was going to be one who goes at his own pace. If any type of change was going to take place, it was going to have to be his idea. Thus, I waited to potty-train him and what do you know, one day he just took off his diaper and went. Of course we have to work on the consistency and perhaps deal with the stigma of being almost four and not in underpants yet. But honestly, a mile-stone is a mile-stone and the fact that I knew for sure Zac was ready when we started and that he might take a little longer to transition is something I'm really okay with. And here I was worried about how I was going to get him to sit in a booster seat instead of his car seat when it came time to make the change and again, one day, he just sat in Jadon's booster. I'm so glad I stuck to my intuition. I really think mom's know what's best for their individual kids and that it's not something that is the same across the board for everyone.


With Jadon, I knew that if I pushed him to do harder things, his self-efficacy would grow and because of his personality, he would really truly believe that he could do anything. Of course, traits like these are like a double-edged sword because while he believes that he can accomplish his goals, he also believes that it is entirely possible to get around going to bed on-time. But when he does the hard things after some poking and prodding, he is always really excited to look back and say, "I did that!"


Jadon really likes school and recently got an award for "sharing his thinking with the class." It's okay to laugh, we did too. As his principal announced the award she started talking about how Jadon sees the world through a very unique lens and likes to share that with everyone he meets. True. Jadon's teacher from last year came up to me and almost a little misty-eyed said, "It looks like someone else appreciates Jadon for who he is." I really feel blessed that he's had teachers that have supported his creativity and "uniqueness" but have also given him a structured environment in which to learn.


He is always making us laugh and recently shared with me that he wishes we had bidets in America so he wouldn't have to wipe so much... boys.


Just the other day, he dressed up as "a 20th century Mexican local" why no, my Latin American studies have absolutely no effect on my kids whatsoever He loves drawing pictures and writing stories and comics. He checks out a class book everyday and is always reading and telling us about what he's read. He's also very interested in anything prehistoric related right now and likes watching shows on Netflix that have to do with...




yep, that's right, cavemen, evolution, dinosaurs, ice-age animals, Pangaea, etc. I think it's all good except that we need to fast-forward through any type of, ahem, mating scenes because I'm really not ready to have that talk yet. It's funny how he goes through different phases of things he wants to know more about. Just today he told me that he must have descended from one fast monkey and a crazy one too I might add.

Joan

Today I attended your memorial service and it was beautiful. I have always admired you for being a remarkable woman, daughter of a Heavenly Father, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, educator, scientist, feminist, social activist, scholar and woman of faith. Your influence has extended into the lives of tens of thousands of people. Thank you for all the thought-provoking lessons, heartfelt smiles, and hugs. Love, emily


A while back I dropped off some food at my church for a luncheon following a memorial service. I had the opportunity of chatting with a friend who had attended the services and she said something to the effect of, "I like coming to these because they inspire me to do better." My initial reaction was that she was crazy because confession: I sincerely dislike attending funerals. Once again, I was a coward in that I tried looking for a way out of this one. I thought I had it when I found out our indoor soccer team would start playing Saturday mornings this week. As it turned out, we had a BYE week. The funeral was back on my schedule. Then someone mentioned practicing instead. Oh good, off the hook. But then no one confirmed a time and place. I think the universe was trying to send me a message...

Funeral it was. Except this time, I tried to see it as something I could do to honor Joan's memory and as a cathartic experience for my soul rather than a rehashing of sorrow and potential cleansing of my tear ducts. To my surprise I really didn't cry too much. I actually felt a lot of peace and was really able to reflect on the purpose of life. A few things were brought to the forefront of my mind:

Life is short, have a sense of humor...


Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (Doctrine and Covenants 42:45) Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life. Russell M. Nelson

Time is cyclical, not linear; an idea expressed in this poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

Science and religion can co-exist. Joan studied primates and evolution while she was a professor at SDSU. She used to say that the study of science is the study of God's handiwork. The more they learn about each other, the more compatible they will become. As a child of a physicist of sorts, I was raised with this thought-process. There is no need to reject knowledge because it does not answer all your questions. Just like there is no need to reject religion for the same reason. We are taught that "truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come" and that "the Spirit of truth is of God" (Doctrine and Covenants 93: 24&26)

And finally, it doesn't really matter how you believe our friend lives on. A scholar might believe she exists in a metaphysical realm. A naturalist might believe she exists in nature and that she is all around us. A theologian might believe that her spirit lives in paradise waiting to be reunited with her body perfected, also referred to as a resurrection to eternal life. But where she exists for everyone, regardless of our spiritual beliefs, is in our own minds, through our memories and the experiences we shared with her.



Joan, you will be greatly missed.

Following

This past weekend we had General Conference. What's that? It's when leaders of our church speak to the members. It happens twice a year. We get to stay home and watch it on the internet {or cable or satellite if you have it}. We don't have to wear church dress or struggle with the kids during Sacrament meeting {which in my opinion, is the best part}. I don't know about anyone else who watches it, but it is without a doubt, my least productive weekend of the year. But I'm okay with that.

Before I jump right into all my thoughts on Conference, which really boils down to just one thesis {Did she really use the word thesis? Yes I just used the word thesis while talking about religion on my blog} I should give a preface that in the LDS religion {aka Mormons} we believe that the acting president of our church is also called to be a prophet, seer and revelator. And that's not all. He has counselors, two of them, and 12 apostles, in the same manner that the church was organized while Jesus Christ was on the earth. That's right, we believe in a living, breathing prophet who is called to lead us in these modern times. And no, he's not a wizard nor does he have a beard like Charlton Heston in the film 10 Commandments. His name is Thomas S Monson and his friends call him Tommy.



He gave a wonderful talk about being grateful and how to adopt that attitude in our own lives. Many of the talks given during Conference are uplifting. But I'll admit, sometimes there are things we hear that are hard to swallow, things we are counseled to do or not do that are hard. It's a very personal thing weather or not you choose to follow. Some see not following as a lack of faith or even rejecting God. Some feel you shouldn't question, that you should follow almost with a blind obedience. I think this is wrong.

You see, we believe in something called agency. It is the power to act of your own free will and not to be acted upon. It is a central tenant of our religion and a very basic doctrine of our church. It basically means that we should choose to follow the Lord and that whatever conscious effort to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ or follow the prophet, should be of our own free will and choice.


But this choice does not always come easily, even when we have received a testimony or witness that the Prophet speaks for the Lord. It comes easily for those who have unshakable faith; it comes easily for those who are looking for someone to tell them what to do, to make the right choice for them. However, it does not come easily to one whose only concern is their own will, of whom will probably chose not following without a second thought. Nor will it be easy for one who questions {like myself} But I don’t necessarily think questioning is a reflection on one's faith, meaning their faith is questionable. It simply means they must reconcile their own free will with the will of the God {to follow the prophet}. Perhaps this is a sorry rationalization, but isn't there more to be said for someone who ponders over and even has to struggle to make the Lord’s will their own?

John Milton said something somewhat similar in Areopagitica:

He that can apprehend and consider vice with all her baits and seeming pleasures, and yet abstain, and yet distinguish, and yet prefer that which is truly better, he is the true wayfaring Christian. I cannot praise a fugitive and cloister'd vertue, unexercis'd & unbreath'd, that never sallies out and sees her adversary, but slinks out of the race, where that immortall garland is to be run for, not without dust and heat.

So I guess Milton summed up my thesis for me. Okay, I know the Olde English is hard to understand. Here is something along the same lines from Aristotle: The mark of an educated mind is to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. I suppose it goes both ways with this one. But my point is that we will get pulled in different directions and we might question something we are asked to do or not to do. But if we study it out in [our] mind which perhaps means entertaining possible choices that are contrary to following the prophet or doing the Lord's will, we can then be guided to make the correct choice, through our own free will, despite all the other things we could be doing. And that's all that can really be asked of us.

I know this post is super long-winded but I'd like to end with one last quote, which hangs on a wall in the Institute {and that unfortunately has no identified source} but still helps me reconcile my questioning with my following:

Faith is not believing without proof; it is trust without reservation.